How to Have Impossible Conversations - Introduction
Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay's manual to transform controversies into dialogues - Part 1
Who said that tough conversations have to be, well, tough?
Get set for a game changer!
In How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (‘Impossible Conversations’ for short), Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay aim to equip you with a variety of proven techniques.
Through the application of Socratic dialogue, sound reasoning, and a touch of psychology and common sense, their goal is to empower you to transform intense, one-sided confrontations into collaborative endeavors.
It's important to note that this is not a book review; rather, it's a sharing of insights from a recent read.
Why share this?
Because within the pages of this book lies knowledge crucial for navigating our current times.
As the landscape is marred by name-calling, group-think, and the erosion of thoughtful discourse, the principles discussed in Impossible Conversations offer actionable techniques that can help us foster reason-driven arguments and respectful disagreements.
The book’s structure
The techniques outlined in the book facilitate a shift towards a shared exploration of common ground, fostering mutual understanding, and even cultivating openness to reconsider one’s deeply held beliefs.
Impossible Conversations unfolds across three sequential parts, each progressively leveraging and expanding on the techniques introduced in the preceding section.
This deliberate structure aims to reflect an increasing level of proficiency in managing challenging conversations, guiding readers from a beginner to an intermediate and finally an expert level.
Prior to delving into the beginner-level strategies, the authors lay a foundation by articulating seven core principles. These principles serve as the bedrock for everything that follows.
In this edition of Demystifying Philosophy, I’m going to explore 'The Seven Fundamentals of Good Conversations.'
Subsequent installments will delve into each section of this valuable guide.
Enjoy!
Who is this book for - according to the authors?
The authors write:
People are sick of not being able to speak about controversial subjects and of having to constantly walk on eggshells when voicing their opinions. This book is for those who have had enough. Enough name-calling. Enough censuring. Enough animosity.
This book is certainly for me.
Is it for you?
“The Seven Fundamentals of Good Conversations”
Before a difficult conversation, be it politics, religion, or who should do the dishes, make these seven points the presupposition of what you’re about to say and do:
Engaging in civil and effective conversations is a skill. It takes knowledge and practice, and you’ll need to begin with fundamental principles.
#1 GOALS
Ask yourself what you want to get out of the conversation: understanding your partner’s point of view? Learning from each other? Correcting yours or your partner’s beliefs about something? Impressing someone? Or just have a nice chit chat?
Clarifying your goal or goals in advance will help keep the conversation on track.
#2 PARTNERSHIPS
People talk more when they feel safe, understood, and respected. So, it's crucial to create a safe and positive environment for a good discussion.
How?
See yourself as a conversation partner.
Focus on understanding your conversation partner, not winning the argument (fundamental #1). Instead of stating your position bluntly, try first to understand their position and why they think that way.
Don't be thrown off by how extreme or disagreeable their views may seem to you.
Understanding doesn't mean agreeing with opposing views.
#3 RAPPORT
Creating a good connection makes conversations easier. It builds a comfortable space for your conversation partner to feel at ease, share more, and be open to reconsidering their beliefs.
For instance, if you're about to talk with someone you don't know well, don't jump straight to the main topic. Begin by introducing yourself, asking about their well-being, or making a casual comment about the place or weather.
Continue building rapport by showing interest in them as individuals. Ask about their leisure activities, passions, or why certain things matter to them.
Before diving into a serious conversation, look for shared interests, and focus on building bridges rather than trying to win the argument.
4 #LISTEN
This is a rare skill indeed, but hardly anything works better for achieving your goal than making your conversation partner feel heard and understood.
If you do not listen, you cannot understand. And if you cannot understand, there is no conversation. Listening is more difficult than it seems, so it requires practice.
So, let’s start practicing.
5 #SHOOT THE MESSENGER
Conversations involve both parties. Sending messages is one-way and not ideal for meaningful dialogues.
To make the difference clearer:
Delivering a message feels like teaching, whereas a conversation has give-and-take that rewards with learning.
What if your conversation partner is being the messenger?
In this case, the maxim is: don’t shoot the messenger:
‘Shooting messengers’ should only be a self-inflicted act: take aim at your own messenger.
Indeed, criticizing the messenger is like turning against your conversation partner. This can harm your connection and hinder the potential for a fruitful conversation.
#6 INTENTIONS
People often think that those with different views have bad intentions.
If we start conversations assuming the worst about our partner, it can harm cooperation, rapport, and listening. This can lead to a conversation disaster.
The authors refer to Socrates in Meno stating that people wouldn't desire bad things if they knew they were bad.
In other words, wanting bad things comes from ignorance, not inherent badness in people. The fix is getting correct information so people can form better beliefs.
In short:
If you must assume your partner’s intentions, assume only this: their intentions are better than you think.
#7 WALK AWAY
Don't expect to reach your conversational goal in one go.
Changing people's beliefs, including our own, is a gradual process that takes time.
Pushing your conversation partner too far out of their comfort zone can halt any progress, break the conversation, strain the relationship, and solidify their unexamined beliefs.
So, know when it's the right time to stop.
Before you try implementing any of the techniques included in the book, the authors invite you to practice these seven principles whenever you have the chance:
The greater your mastery of the [seven fundamentals], the more success you will have when applying more advanced techniques.
If you’re curious to see some of the techniques in action, check out Peter Boghossian’s YouTube channel paying particular attention to his practice of ‘Street Epistemology’.
Reference
Boghossian, Peter & Lindsay, James (2019), How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, New York: Lifelong Books - Hachette Book Group
What kind of partner in conversation are you when tackling ‘impossible conversations’?
Thank you for sharing!